You can touch it if you like. Honestly, I don’t mind.

Jetsetting Australian penalty corner maestro Adam Seccull has been arrested at Sydney International Airport after attempting to sneak his way through customs.

An airport official told us, “I was on the avro shift, chatting to some blonde strumpet, when this dingo came up to me to say he had nothing to declare.  Well, you can imagine my surprise when his beard suddenly started twitching around like a Sheila with ants in her panties.”

“He tried to make out that he had bad indigestion, but no way was he gonna pull the wool over my eyes – I just told him to be quiet unless he fancied having a ‘roo shoved up his backside.  After putting on some gloves and giving his beard a good squeeze, I got the fright of my life when I felt something squirming around.”

Karl Stagno, head coach at EGHC said, “Some weird things have been going on this season, but it all makes sense now.  We’ve had several sticks, some balls, a goalkeeper, and at least two juniors go missing since Christmas – we just hope they’re not too traumatised after spending all that time tangled up in Adam’s facial hair.”