An aggressive frontline capable of terrorising even the stoutest of defences.

Following months of heavy criticism about their employment policies, England Hockey have announced that they will no longer be accepting job applications from people with ties to the so-called Islamic State.

“In the aftermath of our successful Rio 2016 campaign, we have been taking a long look at the way we work for the next Olympic cycle,” Sally Munday told us.  “And when you consider all the violence, rape, mass-murder, pillaging, enslavement, genocide, and destruction of sovereign nations that ISIS tend to be associated with, not to mention their general lack of British middle class idiosyncrasies, we have decided that they no longer fit into our idea of what the Hockey Family should be like.”