G’day, folks! My name is Jerome and I’m a man with two hobbies: playing hockey and coming up with ideas. Here’s some I thought up while I was sitting in the bathroom stroking my koala.
I got this idea when I saw three girls getting excited about some fancy laces in Tammy Girl. If wearing these laces was compulsory, the players would be happier, which would in turn make the umpires and the crowd happier too. We’d have to make sure that ball patrol stay professional or things’d get ugly – perhaps we could get werewolves to do their job instead? Are werewolves immune to bright shoelaces? I don’t know, I’m not an expert on werewolves.
This has been an off-and-on idea, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot since that American kid died after coming back from North Korea. Nobody should be slipping into a coma whilst playing hockey, so I’m coming round to the idea that we need more democracy rather than less.
I think one defender on each team should be allowed to use a racquet instead of a stick. I don’t know about anyone else, but I really struggle with those high balls so this would make it safer and better for everyone. To balance things out, this player wouldn’t be allowed to wear a gumshield because that would be cheating.
No more cards:
Everyone is always saying there’s too many cards being shown in the modern game, so why not just remove them entirely? If a player is misbehaving the umpire could just go up to them and say “Look, pack it in or I’ll have to send you off for a couple of minutes.”
Some umpires might even want to use coloured bits of paper to keep track of the worst offenders – green for small things, yellow for repeat offenders, and red for really serious stuff.