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A Foot in the D

Hockey like you've never seen it before

Ashley Jackson’s film review spot

They don’t make ’em like this any more, which is a shame.

A lot of people say they’re film lovers, which is weird to me; how can you know you love them unless you’ve seen every film ever made?  I consider myself to be a film neutral – some of them I like, some of them are rubbish, and some of them I haven’t even heard of.  I once made an effort to see all the films, but then I noticed they had released some more when I thought I was finished.  I think they should stop making films for a bit so people can catch up and learn the truth.

Dances with Wolves

I watched this on a plane when I was flying to Oz.  It was good to see Robin Hood living outside of his comfort zone, but the lack of wolves was disappointing to an animal lover like myself.  When I finally landed, I was surprised to discover that most Australians speak worse English than the Native Americans.

Shawshank Redemption

I found the name of this one confusing so I wasn’t able to concentrate.  It’s a bit rubbish.

Lord of the Rings

Apparently this is part of a trilogy but I could only find the first film.  It’s alright, but the lack of realism lets it down so I’m hoping for a remake.

The Man with the Golden Gun

This one had too much talking in it, but the little man made me laugh.

The Matrix

I haven’t actually seen this one, but I’m a big fan of boxsets and this one looked really good when I noticed it in the shop last week.

The Bodyguard

Another one of Robin Hood’s films, this actually had more dancing than Dances with Wolves.

My name is Jason Lee and I want to be CEO of Great Britain Hockey

Free teas for all!

Hi folks, my name is Jason Lee and I’ve applied for the top job at Great Britain Hockey… and I need your support.

You may remember me from that time I masterminded the England Ladies team to an emphatic 11th place victory at the 2014 World Cup.  It’s astonishing to think that just two years later the core of that team went on to win an Olympic gold medal, which I believe can be credited to my philosophy of training players to always be at their best rather than peaking at the right time.  When you consider that Kate Richardson Walsh hasn’t ever felt the need to ask me for advice, it’s safe to say that the facts speak for themselves.

I’ve always been a fan of Great Britain Hockey; I have a GBH shirt, a GBH keyring, and if I was ever sent to prison I would feel proud to stand in front of my cellmate and declare “I’m in for GBH; what about you?”

One of my goals is to create a ‘sharing’ mentality amongst the players, a mindset that has served my family well over the years.  As a child the only time I received new kit was when my older brother had outgrown his.  So my plan is to ensure that when the likes of Henry Weir have finished with a stick, they’ll give it to someone in the juniors section.  I call this trickle-down hockeynomics.

Remember: a vote for me is a vote for 11th place.

My name is Jerome and I’ve got some fantastic ideas

Monkey tennis?

G’day, folks! My name is Jerome and I’m a man with two hobbies: playing hockey and coming up with ideas. Here’s some I thought up while I was sitting in the bathroom stroking my koala.

Sparkly shoelaces:
I got this idea when I saw three girls getting excited about some fancy laces in Tammy Girl. If wearing these laces was compulsory, the players would be happier, which would in turn make the umpires and the crowd happier too.  We’d have to make sure that ball patrol stay professional or things’d get ugly – perhaps we could get werewolves to do their job instead?  Are werewolves immune to bright shoelaces? I don’t know, I’m not an expert on werewolves.

Democracy:
This has been an off-and-on idea, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot since that American kid died after coming back from North Korea.  Nobody should be slipping into a coma whilst playing hockey, so I’m coming round to the idea that we need more democracy rather than less.

Racquets:
I think one defender on each team should be allowed to use a racquet instead of a stick.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I really struggle with those high balls so this would make it safer and better for everyone.  To balance things out, this player wouldn’t be allowed to wear a gumshield because that would be cheating.

No more cards:
Everyone is always saying there’s too many cards being shown in the modern game, so why not just remove them entirely?  If a player is misbehaving the umpire could just go up to them and say “Look, pack it in or I’ll have to send you off for a couple of minutes.”
Some umpires might even want to use coloured bits of paper to keep track of the worst offenders – green for small things, yellow for repeat offenders, and red for really serious stuff.

sloppyhockey

“I don’t peel carrots no more” reveals George Pinner

pinner
Umpire, where’s the loo? I’m dying to go.

The debate surrounding the secret to George Pinner’s success can be finally laid to rest as England’s padded wonder revealed that minor adjustments to his diet are behind the dramatic improvements to his fitness

“Last year I was peeling some vegetables for me dinner, when I suddenly wondered what the point was.  As an experiment I decided to cook them with their skins on and nobody seemed to notice during the meal.  Mum and dad were really shocked when I told them, they said it was the last thing they had been expecting me to say.”

“It’s good because it saves me loads of time and is really healthy because I don’t have to worry about accidentally cutting myself.  The only time it happens these days is when I use my auntie’s pruning shears to cut my toenails.”

“I’ve been testing the idea with some of my other favourite foods recently.  Apples are okay, but satsumas and melons taste bitty if you don’t peel them first.”

England Hockey ticket sellout scandal

moan
Why are Wagon Wheels so much smaller these days?

Outraged hockey fans took to social media over the weekend after tickets for the upcoming match against Holland sold out within minutes of going on sale.

“I had three browser tabs open, yet the website crashed the moment I got to the checkout,” one angry mother of three complained.  “By the time I rebooted my phone they had all sold out, and because I was sitting in my Range Rover all the people behind me were beeping because the lights had turned green.”

A man from Buckingham told us “I got my tickets during the priority window, and everything seemed to be fine.  However, the next morning I woke up to find that my guinea pig had died during the night.  I’m very disappointed with the way England Hockey treats the fans, it’s just not fair.”

“I took one look at the price of the tickets and shut down my Macbook Pro in disgust,” a retired gardener from Surrey explained.  “Whilst I can appreciate the match is taking place in a world class venue in the capital city of a first world nation, I don’t see how England Hockey can justify the entry fee.  Just because the current European and Olympic champions are playing the world number one side, in a game featuring some of the best players that have ever existed, why should I be expected to pay more than three pounds to witness such a spectacle?”

“When you consider that I can pop down and watch Whitby Badgers 3rd XI for nothing, it represents very poor value for most hockey fans.”

England Hockey finally place ISIS on the ‘do not recruit’ list

isis-soldiers
An aggressive frontline capable of terrorising even the stoutest of defences.

Following months of heavy criticism about their employment policies, England Hockey have announced that they will no longer be accepting job applications from people with ties to the so-called Islamic State.

“In the aftermath of our successful Rio 2016 campaign, we have been taking a long look at the way we work for the next Olympic cycle,” Sally Munday told us.  “And when you consider all the violence, rape, mass-murder, pillaging, enslavement, genocide, and destruction of sovereign nations that ISIS tend to be associated with, not to mention their general lack of British middle class idiosyncrasies, we have decided that they no longer fit into our idea of what the Hockey Family should be like.”

‘Asparagus is fucking shit’ admits Georgie Twigg

Surbiton supremo Georgie Twigg has sensationally announced that she is ending her asparagus
association with the British Asparagus group.

The Olympic gold medallist, who has been sponsored by British Asparagus since 2012, was quoted as saying “BA were constantly sending me free asparagus, but I was always getting an upset tummy as I don’t know how to cook it properly.  The elastic bands were great for keeping my ponytail in place during training, so it wasn’t all bad.”

Rumours that Iain Lewers has been frantically searching for an alternative aphrodisiac remain unconfirmed.

Canterbury HC to replace clubhouse MFD

Canterbury HC is considering scrapping the Rexxon 1345N printer-fax-photocopier multi-photocopierfunction-device which has been a clubhouse mainstay for the past decade.

“I smacked my head on the side of the printer when I was doing some lunges the other morning,” Mel Clewlow explained.  “And now the flappy bit at the front doesn’t work any more.”

The device, which has lain dormant ever since the manual disappeared shortly after delivery, is likely to be replaced with a colour model.

Brexit Hockey Club

Fuck are you looking at?
My favourite bit in Robocop is when the geezer comes in and says “Bitches leave!”

If there’s one thing that gets on my tits these days, it’s having to put up with people telling me what I can and can’t do all the time.  The other week I banned the opposition keeper from our club house after noticing that he had a shit tattoo, and everyone immediately complained.

My gaff, my rules.

Anyway, that type of shite is why I’m setting up a new hockey club for me and any other like-minded fellows who want to control who can and can’t come into their own D – Brexit HC.

Here are some of my thoughts on the matter:

  • England Hockey are the governing body and whatever comes out of Sally Munday’s gob is sovereign.  For too long the Dutch and the Germans have ruled the roost at the Euro Hockey Federation, so I’m well up for playing hardball in negotiations for things that need to be negotiated, whatever those things might be.
  • If the EHL want us to play in their bloated nonsense of a competition, it will be under our terms.  We don’t necessarily need to join officially; rather, we can come to individual agreements with each of the participating clubs and arrange the matches in an ad-hoc fashion to give ourselves maximum advantage.
  • Likewise with all those EHL armbands and branding – I can do a deal with a local school and get some British kids to make them instead.
  • All the chairpersons will be elected by members to ensure that everyone gets a fair say and to make sure proper process is followed at all times.  The only corollary being that I can tell everyone to piss off if I disagree.
  • Foreign muck like chilli con carne makes me heave, so all post-match teas will consist of bacon & egg sandwiches with brown sauce.

A sporting truism

haka

Eva de Goede writes hockey

I am big fan of Borat and I do great impress: “Is nice!”

Hallo!  Some of you may recognise me from penalty miss last year at EuroHocks 2015 when we lose to England cheats.

Lose to England was painful because stupid umpire not see Lily Owsley stretching out big hairy toe to score second goal.  If I was in charge of hocks laws, I would say all cheats be punish by having to wear Dutch clogs during next match and maybe next match after.  Lily cheat was worse ever cheat, so she have extra punish of chopped off leg with big axe.

Last week, out of curious, I did Google image search of my name and got lots of pictures of me in bikini.  This make me happy because I like wear bikini.  I once ask coach if I play hocks in bikini, but he say no.  I then tell him that triathlete do jog, swim, bike in bikini so why not in hocks, but he still say no.

Sometimes I think of set fire to Lee Valley in revenge.  Problem is that coach say we no allowed to smoke, so I no carry matches in purse.

Adam Commens talks about the Olympic spirit

Adam Commens
Koalas can’t shoot for shit.

During London 2012, the people of Great Britain experienced an immense feeling of pride, joy, and community spirit that continued to be felt long after the events had finished.  Do you believe in the spirit of the Olympics?

Too right I do!  Things had always been ugly between me and my next door neighbour after he caught me stealing petrol from his car, but during Sydney 2000 we were both as happy as pigs in shit.  My cousin rang me up to say that he had stopped beating his kids, the guy who clears away the dog shit along my road actually started doing his job, and during the opening ceremony I’m pretty sure I caught an eyeful of Kylie’s arse.

Of course, I went straight round and gave my neighbour a bash on the nose once everything had finished.

A day in the life of Michael Korper

Korper
I like pretty girls. If you pretty girl, please give kiss and send underwear.

Hai peeps!  My name is Michael Korper and I am great player for Harvestehuder hockey club.  I play for fun and I have most fun when score goals.  Last week coach tell me off for no helping to defend in game we lose 7-3; I tell him that I only play for fun, and defend is boring, and great players should not have to do boring.

I like score from penalty corner, penalty stroke, and anywhere in D.  Sometimes I score from outside of D, but then umpire blow whistle to say goal does not count.  I ask why, and he say it because rules say have to score inside D.  I say rules are wrong, he say not.  I say him to pisses off, he show me yellow card and say go sit on bad chair.  I refuse to sit because I great player who play for fun, and chair is boring.

Next day I get fine for fifteen euros from EHF which make me sad.  I tell coach I think of quit, but he beg me to stay because I such great player.

When I retire, I think of being umpire as umpire get free whistle and blowing whistle looks fun.

East Grinstead squad in turmoil after Adam Seccull’s beard impounded at customs

seccull2
You can touch it if you like. Honestly, I don’t mind.

Jetsetting Australian penalty corner maestro Adam Seccull has been arrested at Sydney International Airport after attempting to sneak his way through customs.

An airport official told us, “I was on the avro shift, chatting to some blonde strumpet, when this dingo came up to me to say he had nothing to declare.  Well, you can imagine my surprise when his beard suddenly started twitching around like a Sheila with ants in her panties.”

“He tried to make out that he had bad indigestion, but no way was he gonna pull the wool over my eyes – I just told him to be quiet unless he fancied having a ‘roo shoved up his backside.  After putting on some gloves and giving his beard a good squeeze, I got the fright of my life when I felt something squirming around.”

Karl Stagno, head coach at EGHC said, “Some weird things have been going on this season, but it all makes sense now.  We’ve had several sticks, some balls, a goalkeeper, and at least two juniors go missing since Christmas – we just hope they’re not too traumatised after spending all that time tangled up in Adam’s facial hair.”

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