Dan Fox’s Boxed Bollocks Slot

Former GB front-runner and winner of a 6th placed medal at Rio 2016, Dan Fox is here to tell us what it’s like to be on the receiving end of multiple drag flicks to the goolies.

That match against Australia, when the ball ricocheted off the post before slamming into your chin, what was it like?

After four days in a medically-induced coma I woke up in hospital with an immense pain pulsating across my entire head. The surgeons had to fix six metal pins into my lower face to stop it falling apart, but everyone was really supportive and after eight months intense rehab and physiotherapy I was ready to play again.  It’s the kind of experience that improves you as a player and as a person.

 

What an inspiring story! However, in your very first match back your left shin was shattered after a reckless swing by a Maori defender.  How did you deal with that?

Yeah, that was annoying.  There were bits of bone on the pitch, and the team doctor had to pump me full of morphine to take away the pain.  My leg was in a cast for a good five months, after which I had to endure three major cartilage transfusions to stop my leg going hard and brittle.

 

Incredible stuff!  I noticed that you walked in with a limp today, is that from another on-field injury?

No.  George Pinner gave me a wedgie this morning, and the heat burn evaporated my last remaining testicle.

Ashley Jackson’s film review spot

They don’t make ’em like this any more, which is a shame.

A lot of people say they’re film lovers, which is weird to me; how can you know you love them unless you’ve seen every film ever made?  I consider myself to be a film neutral – some of them I like, some of them are rubbish, and some of them I haven’t even heard of.  I once made an effort to see all the films, but then I noticed they had released some more when I thought I was finished.  I think they should stop making films for a bit so people can catch up and learn the truth.

Dances with Wolves

I watched this on a plane when I was flying to Oz.  It was good to see Robin Hood living outside of his comfort zone, but the lack of wolves was disappointing to an animal lover like myself.  When I finally landed, I was surprised to discover that most Australians speak worse English than the Native Americans.

Shawshank Redemption

I found the name of this one confusing so I wasn’t able to concentrate.  It’s a bit rubbish.

Lord of the Rings

Apparently this is part of a trilogy but I could only find the first film.  It’s alright, but the lack of realism lets it down so I’m hoping for a remake.

The Man with the Golden Gun

This one had too much talking in it, but the little man made me laugh.

The Matrix

I haven’t actually seen this one, but I’m a big fan of boxsets and this one looked really good when I noticed it in the shop last week.

The Bodyguard

Another one of Robin Hood’s films, this actually had more dancing than Dances with Wolves.

My name is Jason Lee and I want to be CEO of Great Britain Hockey

Free teas for all!

Hi folks, my name is Jason Lee and I’ve applied for the top job at Great Britain Hockey… and I need your support.

You may remember me from that time I masterminded the England Ladies team to an emphatic 11th place victory at the 2014 World Cup.  It’s astonishing to think that just two years later the core of that team went on to win an Olympic gold medal, which I believe can be credited to my philosophy of training players to always be at their best rather than peaking at the right time.  When you consider that Kate Richardson Walsh hasn’t ever felt the need to ask me for advice, it’s safe to say that the facts speak for themselves.

I’ve always been a fan of Great Britain Hockey; I have a GBH shirt, a GBH keyring, and if I was ever sent to prison I would feel proud to stand in front of my cellmate and declare “I’m in for GBH; what about you?”

One of my goals is to create a ‘sharing’ mentality amongst the players, a mindset that has served my family well over the years.  As a child the only time I received new kit was when my older brother had outgrown his.  So my plan is to ensure that when the likes of Henry Weir have finished with a stick, they’ll give it to someone in the juniors section.  I call this trickle-down hockeynomics.

Remember: a vote for me is a vote for 11th place.

“I don’t peel carrots no more” reveals George Pinner

Umpire, where’s the loo? I’m dying to go.

The debate surrounding the secret to George Pinner’s success can be finally laid to rest as England’s padded wonder revealed that minor adjustments to his diet are behind the dramatic improvements to his fitness

“Last year I was peeling some vegetables for me dinner, when I suddenly wondered what the point was.  As an experiment I decided to cook them with their skins on and nobody seemed to notice during the meal.  Mum and dad were really shocked when I told them, they said it was the last thing they had been expecting me to say.”

“It’s good because it saves me loads of time and is really healthy because I don’t have to worry about accidentally cutting myself.  The only time it happens these days is when I use my auntie’s pruning shears to cut my toenails.”

“I’ve been testing the idea with some of my other favourite foods recently.  Apples are okay, but satsumas and melons taste bitty if you don’t peel them first.”

England Hockey ticket sellout scandal

Why are Wagon Wheels so much smaller these days?

Outraged hockey fans took to social media over the weekend after tickets for the upcoming match against Holland sold out within minutes of going on sale.

“I had three browser tabs open, yet the website crashed the moment I got to the checkout,” one angry mother of three complained.  “By the time I rebooted my phone they had all sold out, and because I was sitting in my Range Rover all the people behind me were beeping because the lights had turned green.”

A man from Buckingham told us “I got my tickets during the priority window, and everything seemed to be fine.  However, the next morning I woke up to find that my guinea pig had died during the night.  I’m very disappointed with the way England Hockey treats the fans, it’s just not fair.”

“I took one look at the price of the tickets and shut down my Macbook Pro in disgust,” a retired gardener from Surrey explained.  “Whilst I can appreciate the match is taking place in a world class venue in the capital city of a first world nation, I don’t see how England Hockey can justify the entry fee.  Just because the current European and Olympic champions are playing the world number one side, in a game featuring some of the best players that have ever existed, why should I be expected to pay more than three pounds to witness such a spectacle?”

“When you consider that I can pop down and watch Whitby Badgers 3rd XI for nothing, it represents very poor value for most hockey fans.”

England Hockey finally place ISIS on the ‘do not recruit’ list

An aggressive frontline capable of terrorising even the stoutest of defences.

Following months of heavy criticism about their employment policies, England Hockey have announced that they will no longer be accepting job applications from people with ties to the so-called Islamic State.

“In the aftermath of our successful Rio 2016 campaign, we have been taking a long look at the way we work for the next Olympic cycle,” Sally Munday told us.  “And when you consider all the violence, rape, mass-murder, pillaging, enslavement, genocide, and destruction of sovereign nations that ISIS tend to be associated with, not to mention their general lack of British middle class idiosyncrasies, we have decided that they no longer fit into our idea of what the Hockey Family should be like.”

‘Asparagus is fucking shit’ admits Georgie Twigg

Surbiton supremo Georgie Twigg has sensationally announced that she is ending her
association with the British Asparagus group.

The Olympic gold medallist, who has been sponsored by British Asparagus since 2012, was quoted as saying “BA were constantly sending me free asparagus, but I was always getting an upset tummy as I don’t know how to cook it properly.  The elastic bands were great for keeping my ponytail in place during training, so it wasn’t all bad.”

Rumours that Iain Lewers has been frantically searching for an alternative aphrodisiac remain unconfirmed.

Canterbury HC to replace clubhouse MFD

Canterbury HC is considering scrapping the Rexxon 1345N printer-fax-photocopier multi-function-device which has been a clubhouse mainstay for the past decade.

“I smacked my head on the side of the printer when I was doing some lunges the other morning,” Mel Clewlow explained.  “And now the flappy bit at the front doesn’t work any more.”

The device, which has lain dormant ever since the manual disappeared shortly after delivery, is likely to be replaced with a colour model.

A sporting truism

Adam Commens talks about the Olympic spirit

Koalas can’t shoot for shit.

During London 2012, the people of Great Britain experienced an immense feeling of pride, joy, and community spirit that continued to be felt long after the events had finished.  Do you believe in the spirit of the Olympics?

Too right I do!  Things had always been ugly between me and my next door neighbour after he caught me stealing petrol from his car, but during Sydney 2000 we were both as happy as pigs in shit.  My cousin rang me up to say that he had stopped beating his kids, the guy who clears away the dog shit along my road actually started doing his job, and during the opening ceremony I’m pretty sure I caught an eyeful of Kylie’s arse.

Of course, I went straight round and gave my neighbour a bash on the nose once everything had finished.

A day in the life of Michael Korper

I like pretty girls. If you pretty girl, please give kiss and send underwear.

Hai peeps!  My name is Michael Korper and I am great player for Harvestehuder hockey club.  I play for fun and I have most fun when score goals.  Last week coach tell me off for no helping to defend in game we lose 7-3; I tell him that I only play for fun, and defend is boring, and great players should not have to do boring.

I like score from penalty corner, penalty stroke, and anywhere in D.  Sometimes I score from outside of D, but then umpire blow whistle to say goal does not count.  I ask why, and he say it because rules say have to score inside D.  I say rules are wrong, he say not.  I say him to pisses off, he show me yellow card and say go sit on bad chair.  I refuse to sit because I great player who play for fun, and chair is boring.

Next day I get fine for fifteen euros from EHF which make me sad.  I tell coach I think of quit, but he beg me to stay because I such great player.

When I retire, I think of being umpire as umpire get free whistle and blowing whistle looks fun.

East Grinstead squad in turmoil after Adam Seccull’s beard impounded at customs

You can touch it if you like. Honestly, I don’t mind.

Jetsetting Australian penalty corner maestro Adam Seccull has been arrested at Sydney International Airport after attempting to sneak his way through customs.

An airport official told us, “I was on the avro shift, chatting to some blonde strumpet, when this dingo came up to me to say he had nothing to declare.  Well, you can imagine my surprise when his beard suddenly started twitching around like a Sheila with ants in her panties.”

“He tried to make out that he had bad indigestion, but no way was he gonna pull the wool over my eyes – I just told him to be quiet unless he fancied having a ‘roo shoved up his backside.  After putting on some gloves and giving his beard a good squeeze, I got the fright of my life when I felt something squirming around.”

Karl Stagno, head coach at EGHC said, “Some weird things have been going on this season, but it all makes sense now.  We’ve had several sticks, some balls, a goalkeeper, and at least two juniors go missing since Christmas – we just hope they’re not too traumatised after spending all that time tangled up in Adam’s facial hair.”

Relax and meditate with Mani Kochar

Do you have any more prawn sandwiches? I’m famished.

Deep in his underground cave beneath the entrance of Reading HC, the quiet and reticent Mani Kochar wants nothing more than a bit of peace and quiet.

I’ve been a bit down in the dumps this week.  Kate Walsh borrowed my Crocs shoes and hasn’t given them back yet, even though I’ve sent her lots of text messages.  I’ve been scared of her ever since she told me to piss off after I asked her to stop saying rude words to the umpire.

Also, I’m only allowed out on Sundays, but unfortunately the local bus doesn’t run on Sundays.  This means I have to walk down to the Marks and Spencer garage, and I get a headache from all the bibbing cars.

Alistair Brogdon vs The Hunchback of Notre Dame

The Hunchback himself, wearing his favourite red top as he scampers frantically up the Gothic steps of the cathedral in search of his beloved Esmeralda, sanctuary from the guards, and a nice bowl of woodlice.

An artist’s impression of what a particular member of the Brogdon family may or may not look like, celebrating after going on another mazy run between three hapless defenders before scoring the kind of epic goal that only a true hockey wizard is capable of.